Forward Motion

I started reading a new book recently, "Reaching for an Invisible God", by Phillip Yancey.

While I don't entirely struggle with stuff he talks about--having faith in a God who is not tangible--I've been thinking about where exactly I am in my faith. Where I was 10 years ago. Where I was when I started college. And...now.

I haven't been to church in several weeks, but I'm going to change that this week. I want to be more faithful in my walk.

One thing that the book talks about is when bad stuff happens, where is God? Yancy uses a C.S. Lewis quote about pain, and how God uses it for good, even if He did not want the pain to happen (and there's the bigger question of free will, etc.).

I've been thinking about healing, and pain, and baggage I haven't really dealt with in my life. I have an avoiding personality--especially when it comes to getting hurt. I'm seeing more and more, though, that being vulnerable and open, while it may pose the risk of getting hurt, leads to healing. It also leads to deeper relationships. Another thing I'm not so great at.

I sat at a park bench when I was in KC tonight, for a good while, pondering these things. On my way to my car, I encountered an Asian man on a bench. He was wearing a City Mission t-shirt and was eating out of a lunch bag. We made eye contact, smiled, and I said a polite "Hi." He said something afterward, that I didn't catch, but then he said it again.

"We can talk if you want."

I thought that was very odd. Seeing as I don't typically talk with strangers (my parents actually strongly advised against it growing up), I said, "That's ok." And walked on.

Part of me wonders if I was going to get a sermon or if he saw something on my face that said I need someone to process life with. Just a very odd moment indeed.

"There's too many things I haven't done yet, there's too many sunsets I haven't seen."

[title: "Many the Miles," Sara Bareilles]

So, although it was two weeks ago, the trip to Florida was great. I was able to properly maneuver my way around three airports, found ways to keep myself occupied for several hours in said airports, and didn't wreck the rental car. Score.

It was hotter than expected, and the humidity is something fierce in Central Florida. Ditto for summer rains. However, I was pleasantly surprised to pick up a copy of the newspaper my first night. It is very nice and I can see why it's held in such high regard in the community, especially to have such a high circulation.

I met several reporters, editors, and the publisher throughout my two days, and I enjoyed that. Although sometimes I feel funny for not having as many questions as I should (for the record, I did ask plenty of questions!), it is always interesting to me to hear of how people get to where they are, and to know a little bit more about people who could potentially be my bosses.

I even got to see Allison, my D.C. roommate, during a brief drop by Disney World's Downtown Disney. It was nice to catch up.

The title of my song actually came from an interesting moment on the return trip. I was sitting on the plane, thinking. Am I going to get the job? How is my life going to change? Will I be happy there? You know, all of the major life move questions.

I glanced out of my window (I always get the window seat if I can help it) and saw the sunset. Instantly the song popped into my head. I couldn't help but smile and feel God was winking at me.

The song has sort of been an anthem I've clung to post-graduation. It's about moving out into the world, saying goodbyes, but also maintaining strong ties to loved ones. The line, my title, got to me the first time I heard it. There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to see and accomplish.

On good days, the world is my oyster. On bad days, I struggle with feeling stuck and wistful at the world speeding around me and slightly jealous of my friends' adventures around the world.

This felt like God was saying, "I know you have dreams, and trust me, you will have adventures."

I'm feeling better now about the questions...even if I don't get the job. I guess you just have to have faith and trust that God has something for you...even if you have no idea what that is.

I'm a new soul...

[title: Yael Naim, "New Soul"]

So, I am now a college grad, hurrah!

Next step in life: obtain a job. Not just any old job, a journalism job. It can be done...I'm keeping faith, searching high and low, and interviewing.

The week after I graduated my sister graduated from high school and last week I went to my cousin's graduation.

Now that this month of graduations is over, I can devote my full energy into searching.

I actually have an amazing opportunity next week--a newspaper outside of Orlando is flying me out for a day of interviews. This is really exciting. We'll see how it turns out, but it's looking good. It will be a great way to break into journalism because it's a very solid area of newspaper readers.

One word explains much of that success: retirees.

The only demographic that heavily consumes dead tree journalism still is the main audience of the newspaper/media group.

I would not have anticipated Florida would be on my radar right now, but I'm all for new adventures.

And if you're like me you need hope, coffee, melody

[title: New Day, Robbie Seay Band]

This song has been going through my head today...I need a new day. And it's good to remember that each day really is a gift. There is freedom in being able to do something new each day, to strike out in a new direction, etc.

Currently: I'm being buried under heaps of work...tomorrow I will have several hours to work on it, thankfully. So far plans include going to church early with a friend, for the first time in awhile. It's horrible, but true that I am a member of Bedside Baptist/Pillow Presbyterian often...but I want to do something different, though.

Hmm...I probably might have a chance at getting up early if I go to bed right now.
Au revoir.

I was your silver lining, but now I'm gold.

[title: Silver Lining, by Rilo Kiley]

So, one of the two people I discussed previously and I are on talking terms, which really makes me happy. Things are back to normal, somewhat. Whew. Even when I know I'm right, I still hate not talking with people and disharmony. It just makes things awkward. Sometimes reading other people's minds would make things easier...

'Cause it's your life, and it's no one else's, sweetheart. Don't let someone put you in a box.

[Title: Navy Taxi, Kate Nash]

I have a ton of thoughts rattling around in my head, so I feel compelled to return to blogging. At least for now. I'm trying to make sense of my world and I'm an external processor, so here goes.

This semester has been the craziest of my life. If last semester was stressful for academic reasons, this one is for personal reasons. I've cut personal/professional ties through various circumstances with two people who I've highly regarded for reasons I'll not go into.

This is a momentous occasion for me--I've never pissed off two people so much that they'd stop talking with me. It's uncharted territory, and it's confusing, but I'm standing in my decisions that have led to those situations...which makes me realize I have grown a lot as a person this past year.

Then comes the past week. My grandma died last Thursday. I found out last Wednesday that she was back in the hospital (after a month involving the ICU and a nursing home and spotty care there) then I drove out to Danville, Ill. from Olivet to see her/family.

Part of me knew I probably wouldn't make it, but I missed chapel and my Thursday classes, and when I arrived at the hospital I was a half-hour late. After failed attempts to reach my mom through my sister's cell, I called my other grandma's home phone. She broke the news. I called upstairs and readied myself (as much as possible) to see my family...and it was harder than I thought it would be. The grief was still very fresh.

Long story short, I spent the entire weekend leading up to the funeral Monday in Indiana-Illinois limbo.

I think this is enough for this post...but yeah. Just an update. I want to work through my grandma's death a bit here in upcoming posts.

Tout a l'heure.

I never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground...

My roommate pointed out to me today that I have not blogged in awhile. Part of this is because life has been insane in the last month.

For the past three weeks I've been booked solid, it seems. First was the week of the Homecoming issue (16-pager, a break from the usual 12 page paper).

Second came the week in which every minute of my life was taken by an extracurricular activity: Commies in Costume, ASC goes to the president's home, and the Candy and Costume Fest. Not to discount any of those activities--they were all great and are responsibilities I've taken on by being a part of student government and Lambda Pi Eta, the Comm. dept honor society.

But the one thing I've been really struggling with is keeping up with school. I've been putting so much effort into the GG that I find myself burned out on working on school work. I've put off my senior speech (which I'm just now catching up on) and have had to do a major time out on somethings so I can get that done. Life moves at breakneck-pace...and sometimes I wish it would just pause for a second. Unfortunately, unlike McCain's "timeout" for the economy, life doesn't work that way.

This past week has been especially rough. I found out that I'm not doing well academically (not really a revelation or anything) but I still have a lot of reasons to hope: major assignments due at the end of the semester will be my lifesaver I believe. Except I still have so much to do on some.

I told my News Editor Tracey that I feel this semester my classes are exceptionally needy--for one I have to devote a lot of time to collecting and editing audio and writing the story around it, for another I have made countless trips to county government buildings to FOIA things and request tax documents for random businesses, and for another I have a test/quiz/large chapter to read and journal on each week. On top of the stress of senior speeches. Last week I felt very in over my head, that's for sure.

So yeah. No new revelations for Mallo if she's reading this now, but for others who might care, this is life. Little sleep. Lots of work. Lots of freaking out. Not exactly the senior year I had imagined, so hopefully next semester is better. I think it will be.

Anywho.
Should go.
Ttyl.
Jess